Why is Loving Yourself so hard?
My journey on my own Love Yourself Project has been super challenging for the past two months.
I was stuck in a deep funk and had no idea how to recover. My momentum came to an abrupt stop and none of my healing tools or tricks were appealing at all. It was almost like a part of me was rebelling against any form of action to move forward.
I felt numb and helpless with no energy to scream or cry. I was still eating and enjoying whatever I wanted. My 80/20 healthy eating ratio slipped daily and that was ok. I focused on the next meal and if I couldn’t get it quite right, it wasn’t a big deal. I could still function in my day job and made the effort to shower and dress up. Just the basics were enough for me at the time. But for the most part, I was operating on autopilot.
I chose not to be judgmental towards myself and to lovingly acknowledge the space I was in. If I felt like not doing anything at all it was ok. I accepted my unwelcomed guest who was clearly here to stay for a while. It followed me wherever I went like a dark suffocating cloud and sometimes like a creepy shadow. Annoying me. All the feelings were felt and I allowed it to flow through me. It felt awful. Horrible.
My personal commitments and projects were still important to me even though I felt like the biggest fraud for working so hard and not achieving what I believed I had to already. Any action started with small incremental steps, asking myself to do only one thing. Just one. Even if I felt like not doing it at all and without force.
The quality of my sleep was poor and insomnia chose to keep me company a few times too. There was no desire to fix anything.
I met with people hoping they wouldn’t notice. Perhaps they did. Sometimes I would forget about my cloudy shadow and sometimes not.
I prayed. Listened to prayers. Still, do. I remembered a conversation about focusing on quality and not quantity. So I did whatever I could to maintain a spiritual connection.
At some point, I considered changing a few things but couldn’t decide what. Then one day I needed to top up my Zinplex tablets but the pharmacy was out of stock of the variant I usually buy. The bcomplex variant was available which I figured would be good to combat some stress. I saw a good multivitamin called DS24 and decided to get that too. I took it without any expectations. No desire to move forward. IBS returned without warning too. It’s uncomfortable and painful.
Diet. Exercise. Sleep. That was what I needed to focus on but not all at the same time.
When my sleeping pattern is poor it impacts me without realizing until it’s too late. I was so depressed and acknowledged this too without judgment.
Radical change was needed and it started with me. Again. I recommitted to loving myself. I started one of my mornings with breakfast at a coffee shop as I had errands to run in the area. It was a great decision as the rest of my day was awesome. I finally made it back to the gym and kept the momentum going. Drinking more water makes a difference too and consuming less sugar always does wonders.
I woke up one morning and thought about doing EFT tapping but had no desire to do it. I did it anyway and felt a micro shift.
Walks in the forest doing meditations with trusted folk helped tremendously. Being out in nature is soul soothing.
My projects are gaining momentum and I’m finally starting to feel excited about them again.
This time around I really needed me. All of me and I’m so glad I chose to put myself first.